Today is the BIG day....

Today is the day I hit the BIG 4-0!!!! I was born at 7:30 am, weighed 5 lbs. 14 1/2 oz, and 20 in. long, in the year 1969...Boy, was I a long and skinny baby..hahah
It was very melancholy today, I missed him so, so much today..A day like today he would have made such a fuss and big deal over me.. To relax, to enjoy, and to feel the love from him and our girls on my special day..It's hard not to think of what he might have had planned for me..He would say, Hey, wait till you turn 40, you have no idea what's planned for you..Too bad I will never find out...But, I know he's with me..Still, I wish he was really with me, here and in the flesh...Life was always good with him in it..I know life is still good in it's own way, I have our girls and they are healthy, and I thank God for that...My girls made me feel so good today, I felt so loved..They bought a dozen white roses, which they took over for their dad..I was surprised with a piece of jewelry that Otto once spoke of getting for me..I guess I must have mentioned it to them at one time or another..But, in any case Jackie wrote in my birthday card about some unfinished business that dad had and they thought of finishing it for him..I cried, and cried...It broke my heart that they thought of doing this..Something that meant so much..It's a pendant circle in diamonds that represents "INFINITE CIRCLE", the infinite circle of love, it just keeps going...My sister came over with my niece Brittany, my nephew Kristian was here, Debi and her daughter Sophia, Jackie's boyfriend Juan, and my cousin Bryan..They all mean so much to me...I was so happy that they remembered and they took time from their evening to spend time with me...I received phone calls from friends, and some family and some txt messages on my phone...I woke up to one friend singing Happy Birthday on my voice mail..That was too funny..Teresa sweetie, don't lose your day job, hahah, you have guts my friend, I couldn't do that unless I was so drunk that I forgot I couldn't sing..hahahh My emotions started to really take it's toll as of yesterday when I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers with the cutest teddy bear from my friend Michael..He's a wonderful and dear friend..Again, thank you Michael for being my dearest friend...Barb, thanks for the beautiful handmade card, you always amaze me with your talent..It's been a long, emotional day..Wow, I'm 40...Well, really I have completed 39 yrs of living, I'm starting my 40th year..hahahh ..It's really true, think about it...
I know my girls read my blog, thank you girls for being our girls, you know dad is looking over you and being a proud daddy as he always has been...Thank you for making my birthday a good and happy one, I love you Jackie, Megan and Kaitlin...Here's to another year..Lets see how it goes and what it brings...

A New Year has begun 2009

Today is New Year's Day...A new year, with new beginnings, new challenges, and new milestones..I am hopeful that life will be better, be happier and healthier for me and the girls..

New Year's Eve was nice at our friends house..There were many people that I had already met and some for the first time..The girls enjoyed themselves..We all got together in the living room and when the ball dropped and 2009 started everyone yelled "Happy New Year" I had one tear in my eye..I thought of all the New Year's we spent together and yelled out those words..My first kiss and hug was from him..I always wished for a better year of health for him, not happiness because we always had our that no matter what..I really missed him last night and I know the girls thought of him and were missing him too..I hugged my girls and kiss them, one at a time..My girls..They are so beautiful..They are going to be an awesome bunch in this world..They are loving, caring and strong young ladies..
Otto if you can hear me as I say it and look as I type this, we have done a great job with our girls..I know you are proud, and you had always told him that you were..Thank you for doing that, for letting them know that before you passed...

We were at Marisol & Carlos' house, just a town over..We ate, drank and had alot of laughs..I truly love them..They became very close friends of ours..Marisol was Otto's chemo nurse..She is one hell of a nurse..She was definitely born to do that job..Carlos is the sweetest man you could ever met, a gentle, loving, caring man..I am so grateful and blessed to have them in our lives...We stayed until 2am and then the girls and I went over to my sister Madeleine's house, she only lives 5 minutes from my house now..We talked and laughed for awhile and finally it was time to go home..The girls and I haven't been out like that, ever..We got home around 3:30am..Jackie was so tired..Kaitlin was still wired, and Megan was holding her own..By the time I got into bed, it was quarter to 4, and I had to read for a little bit, so I went to bed at 4:30am..I slept until 1 this afternoon...I am glad that the holidays are over..They are just to stressful, and tiring...I am now got to concentrate on what I am going to be studying..I have to get myself on that track..I am seriously looking into getting my BS in Paralegal Studies...I have always liked law, and for all of you that know me, I have to knack for research, details, and as Otto used to say I don't miss a thing..My sister started that comment years ago..He just continued on with it...I think I would really like to get into litigation's in a law firm, I don't think I would want to get into government litigation..The really money is in a great law firm..So cross your fingers for me..

We all know what tonight is !!

Well tonight is New Year's Eve..I am supposed to go to a friends house. But, I really don't know what I want to do..This day last year I was in Florida and on the beach..It was something that I had never experienced before..Being that I was born and raised in the north east, cold, dreariness, and snow is usually on the agenda..But, being on a beach, 80 degrees, having a beer and sitting on a beach chair looking at the surf was somewhat of a treat..I didn't go into the water because 4 days prior I had gotten my first tattoo on my lower back. No sun, sand or salt water can hit it, not good for the healing process...
So, 365 days later I am in NJ at home..It's cold, dreary, some snow flakes are falling, and on the cusp of the new year, 2009...Time just goes by. It waits for no one..The hands of time keep turning, and clicking along..I don't know how I have come this far, I don't try to analyze it because it makes me more sad..I can't believe I haven't heard his voice, held his hand, felt his warmth, given him a kiss or hugged him tightly since Oct. 2007...Why would life be so cruel, why would God be so cruel..If you can bring two souls together, then why rip the apart??..People, so many people have their own philosophy as to why Otto died, I have heard them all..They are of no comfort to me...I don't know how anyone could think that they would be...My faith is no longer where it used to be..Honestly, I don't know if it still exists..All I have learned, what I once believed in, makes me feel like it was all a lie. God, has the power if healing, of changing anything and everything..Why, God? why wasn't Otto worthy of your healing, and worthy of living? I get so angry, angry that there are so many people living on the face of this earth that do so much harm that they don't deserve to stay here..Yes, I have heard that they are living their own hell, etc, etc..but they still breathe...
If someone ever would have told me that my life would turn out this way, I won't believe them...My sweet Otto did not deserve that..He's supposed to be here..We were supposed to be remarried at our 25th and go to Italy..We only made it to our 21st...July of this coming year 2009 would have been 23...Yes, I know I should be grateful to have had those years with him, to have our children, to know what TRUE LOVE is..But, it hurts that it will never be again..We were so young, we had odds stacked against us for marrying so young, people would say that we would divorce, no way that our young marriage could survive..We married with the dark cloud of Hodgkin's looming around..We made it, we endured those hard years, those 5 yrs to have those words spoken, You are considered CURED..And he was, cured of that blood cancer..17 and one half yrs. of being cancer free...He didn't die of cancer, he died of an infection..Life can be so cruel...Maybe when I die, I will find out all the answers...
I know I don't sound like I mean it, but I truly do, Happy New Year to you all..

It's been awhile...

Yes, it's been some time since I posted last..It's been a very difficult month..Well, really a very difficult 2 months with the feeling of the upcoming holidays..It's still not over yet, we still have New Year's to get through..Don't know what to do though for that one..We, the girls and I were invited to go to a friends house, they are a couple that became very close to us from the beginning of Otto's diagnosis back in 2003 and have remained close to this day..We were also invited to go to my sisters house for a get together there and wait for the new year to ring 2009..Really, I would rather just crawl into a ball and watch a movie..
I know it sounds crazy to many of you..But, the truth is I don't look forward to another year, another year of changes, milestones, events that I will experience without him..This Christmas was such an emotional one for me, I am speaking now just about me, not my girls, I will get to them soon..
When I put the tree up, it was one of those moments that brought back so many memories..I thought to myself as I opened the branches and looked at the tree that the last time we put it up he was here, at home with me...I dreaded every minute and moment of that experience...The ornaments that tell stories..Stories of that season, of that year, the stories of why that ornament was purchased and where we might have been at that time..It was like a tidal wave of memories, I teared and held onto myself sort of speak so that the girls wouldn't catch on that I was holding it in, just dieing to let it out..I still feel I have to be strong..they have seen me cry over the course of these 14 mths..But, habits are hard to break..The evening of Christmas Eve was such an emotional day..I prepared the house for our guests, which were family and friends..I saw myself doing all these things and I thought of Otto, every step of the way..The limitless times he cooked and got everything on the menu ready for the evening of feasting on food and his wine..I did the same..I guess I wanted to make him proud..I always wanted him to be proud of me as I always was of him..I missed him so much that night..I was surrounded by my family, and friends..My friend Michael drove down from NY state and had experienced what Christmas Eve was like in our home..{Michael, you told me you had a great time, I'm sure glad you did..Thanks for being here}
Christmas morning was a tough one for me..Much harder then I thought..I went to bed around 2am, and my youngest daughter Kaitlin (11) woke me up around 8ish..At that moment, at that second the memories rushed in like a broken dam..the force of it was overwhelming..All the years of our girls coming over to our bedside, and tapping our shoulders, and getting up on the bed, telling us "Mommy-Daddy", "SANTA CAME" and "He left alot of presents" then it would follow- "Hurry up get out of bed" etc, etc...That morning it was different, no daddy was spoken...I missed that, I missed it for him...I went down stairs and saw the girls..Every Christmas morning was special in the past, but this one, this year meant less, so much less...I am grateful for our girls, and I was happy to have that morning with them, but a large part of my heart was not here..He wasn't here..I can't expect people to understand the grief of losing your soulmate, you really have to go through it to fully understand it..After, opening gifts, the girls gave me my stocking and there was a card from our oldest daughter Jackie (20) it was a beautiful card and to my surprise there was a picture of me and her dad..I started to cry, she actually took my picture crying..Should have never allowed Otto to get her that darn digital camera..Hahaha....She wrote beautiful things, and in a nutshell, she understood that Christmas didn't hold the same feelings for me and that Dad was always with me..She's so grown up, I know he would be proud of her, more then he already was..
I went upstairs to our bedroom to have a moment for myself, I stood in front of his urn, I placed my left hand on it and I just wept...My heart felt more broken that moment then it had ever been if that was even possible...We soon after went to visit my in-laws, they were so happy to see their granddaughters..Juan went with us, he's Jackie boyfriend of 3 yrs. Otto really liked him..Juan's a good young man, very noble and sweet, he reminds me alot of Otto when he was a young man..
I do miss having Christmas in Florida, it was different..I seriously could get used to that..We'll see what the future brings in the Florida dept.. Well going to go and eat dinner, will post more later....

It's so COLD outside....

Well, the cold season it here. We had some snow flakes on Saturday night. Nothing really to write home about, but to see them fall was something that I could just do without. For all of you that know me, I'm not a snow person..I mean it looks pretty as it falls, but cleaning it up and dealing with the way that people handle it while driving makes me just want to stay in.
I really should be living in a warm climate place. Maybe, I will one day. It's just a matter of timing. The girls have to finish school here in NJ. Jackie doesn't have much more to finish college, Megan has 2 more years of HS, and Kaitlin is in 6th grade, so that put 6 yrs more to finish. Hopefully, I can get my schooling in and be done way before she's finished.
I haven't finished my shopping yet. Have you? This is a really hard time for me. I know it's going to be another emotional time not having him here..The feeling of Christmas has really changed for me, it started when I lost my father back in 1993. Then, I started a tradition of passing the ornaments to Otto and the girls and they would trim the tree..My dad passed on Dec. 17th and buried on Dec. 21st. So, after that date was when the tree went up. I remember I really wasn't in the festive mood, so I told him, hey you can trim the tree with the girls and I'll just hook the ornaments and pass then to you..Now, he's not here to pass them too..Well, the tree didn't go up yesterday, we watched Harry Potter and took a nap. So, the time went by..We are going to shoot for Saturday..I still say I'm going to break out the chocolate martini's for this one..I'm sure you all would agree..Have to run now, billing paying time, rearrangement of furniture has to been done, and work on the christmas cards, gifts, etc..busy week it will be...I'll post again later...

Like what you see??

I am finally done with the blog..It took some work again, but I hope you like what I've done..
On the last post I told mentioned my little shopping spree at Michael's on Thanksgiving Day..Speaking of Thanksgiving hope everyone had a wonderful time with their families, it was a day to let your loved ones know how thankful you are for them.
Well, was I thrilled with that sale..I knew I had to go that night because there was no way in hell I was going to go out on Black Friday with all the loons. I drove up and I actually saw men in the store shopping for their significant others, what a cute site that was..
So, as I was saying I bought some Critcut cartridges..
A few days later, I got a call from a good friend that went out on Black Friday to Walmart and got 2 Cricut Expression machines and one of them was for her sister, which it turned out that she didn't want it. So, that's where I came in. She called and asked if i wanted to buy it from her for the same price she paid. I wasn't sure, I called my buddy Barb to ask her what she thought. I don't know why I did because I knew what she was going to say, just as I thought she said Yeah! This is what the machine looks like here on the right.
It's a pretty awesome machine. It will make scrapbooking and card making alot easier. I also picked up some Christmas paper to make my Christmas cards. I haven't handmade cards for the holidays since 2006. There is something about
giving someone a handmade gift, it's so special.

During the week I also picked up the Bind-it-all
machine. Now that too is one cool product. It's
great to make mini albums to regular size..It punches the holes on the side, you place your
"O" rings and place in machine and bind it..
Here it is below..


I really can't believe we are in Dec. already. It just feels like time is flying..This Sunday will be the day for putting up the tree and to decorate the house a bit. Kaitlin, our youngest one really wants the tree up and to get her hands in the boxes of decorations. So, it will be an emotional day. But I know he'll be here with us and I'll feel his presence to comfort me. I think I should also break out the martini glass and make myself a chocolate martini as we work on the tree..Great visual huh??

Having a bit of trouble with the blog

Ok as you can see having trouble with this blog. I added a blinkie to the blog and I got some photo bucket icons ALL over the place. So, I had to redo the template, it wasn't working to get rid of it all..So, I picked a new template and now I have some things in Spanish..Don't ask I have no clue how I got the Spanish translations..I will be working on it over the next few days..

But, anyway Thanksgiving was nice at my sisters house. The girls enjoyed themselves.
I went to Michaels that night because they were having a sale on the Cricut cartridges for $29.99, they are usually $89.99..What a sale huh??? woohoooo...

I will have to post the pics of the goodies that I bought these past few days..That would include the pink Bind-it-all..Can't wait to use it...
Well, going to bed now..Hope to have everything done and looking nice again..That's what happens for being married to a computer junkie for 21 yrs, he did everything for me and I didn't learn to troubleshoot..