I know it's been a year since I last posted..

In the year since I last posted so much has happened..Yes, he has been divorced..Thank freakin' God..It took it's long ass time but finally over..Not, all is over though..The unamicableness (if there's such a word) is definitely not there from the over side, but, hey she's not my problem, she can be someone else's problem..But, anywho, we had our first holidays and they were wonderful to spend it with Patrick and my daughters..Christmas was hard for them, I know..But, all in time..Spring finally came and my mood improved, I do suffer from that seasonal depression..Hate, Hate the cold..One day we'll be in warmer climate..We took a family vacation for the first time since Patrick and I have been together and we went to Florida to visit family and some grammar school friends..It was great to see family and friends..I did miss them so much..I went on a wave runner for the first time and Kate was my back seat partner...We had a blast, it was so much fun to hit that throttle and tell Kate to hold on..I thought I was gonna loose her a couple times but she was a trooper and held on to my life jacket..heheh I'm chuckling as I type it..
We came home and I had the best 2 surprises during the first week home..The first one came when I spoke to my dearest and bestest friend Barbara..I thought she was in Texas, which is where she lives with her hubby Willie, and to my surprise when she asked me if she could get some Italian food..I asked her Hey, are in NJ since you asked that? and sure as heck she was..I told her to please come for dinner and be sure it will be Italian..She and Willie arrived to our home and it was such a great feeling to see my buddy..She looked fantastic since her surgery..She lost so much weight, heck she's smaller then me..I'm so proud of her, her journey was a long and hard one for years and now she is one the road to fulfillment..Congrats Barb !!!
Now, the second surprise was the day after we saw Barbara and Willie, my beloved sweet boyfriend Patrick proposed..He surprised me with going down on his right knee and asked me to be his wife..I was shocked, I mean we spoke about marriage many times but I just didn't think he was going to ask now..I was so happy and I could have jumped up onto the clouds..I did say YES, and we sat down weeks later and set our date..August 26, 2011 on the beach of Sea Bright, here in NJ...Since then, I went dress shopping with my mom, Julie (our Goddaughter) and her friend Nicole (sweet girl) I found my dress at David's Bridal and I totally fell head over heels in LOVE with my dress..It was the 8 or 9th one I tried on..My mom picked her dress style and color..Beautiful dress she choose..I asked mom if Patrick would love my dress, she smiles and said oh honey, absolutely..I know I'll be a beautiful bride for my groom..We booked the DJ at the end of Oct, and now we're on the hunt for a photographer..That part is going to be hard because I'm so picky..Our pictures are so important to me, after that day, that's what we have as our memories of our special day..I so can't wait to walk down that sandy aisle to my sexy, handsome groom with those gorgeous hazel eyes..
We are now in Nov, with about 9 months to go and lots to do.. Thanksgiving is weeks away and then the craziness starts of the Christmas season..The gift shopping, tree trimming and Christmas dinner here at our house..I will post again before then..I promise not to let so much time go by again..OH btw, I revamped my scrapbook room a bit..A new square counter height table, and my brown leather stool..Just love it..I have also been purging..Feels good to purge..I know Otto is up there saying "Throw it all out" LOL.. Take care til I post again...

Yes it's been a long while...

I know I'm in trouble with many of you for not posting....Lets see, it's been since March that I haven't posted...Well, many things have happened since then...Where do I start...
Well, here goes, hopefully it will be in order on when they happened.. I know in my last post, I mentioned that I met Pat...Well, we are still together and moving forward...His divorce is not anywhere near it's final stages...But, that's so complicated in it's nature with his soon to be ex that it could take me days to tell you that story...But, we hope that it's soon...He moved out of his house in June...Yes, he's living with me...Yeah, yeah I know many are saying what the hell are you doing....BUT, if you all call yourself friends then you know me...I do what it is that makes me happy..And, this makes me happy...It's time for me, I'm still the same person as before just with some, oh OK, with alot of changes but I'm still me...It's supposed to be until he finds his house, but either way whether he stays or not, we are still together and that's what counts...That discussion will be for us at a later date...His house is closing tomorrow, the one that he owned with his STBX...His girls are dealing with this the best way they can..I kow it's not easy for them..But, he really tries his best with them...We go and pick them up every Thurs. and they spend the day here...Kate gets along well with them, and I'm sure as time goes by they will form their own relationship...
Saturday we will live for a week to St. Maarten...This will be the first vacation I take with him..So, lets see how it goes...
Will, post again soon...

It's been a long time since I've posted...

Hi everyone..It's been such a long time since I've posted...Alot has happened since then...First, I finally made that jump on my own to purchase a new car..I bought a nice SUV..It's beautiful and so happy with it...I felt great to see I could do it all by myself...It's a 2009 Buick Enclave, silver and black leather interior...You're going to laugh because 2 things this truck had to have and one was seat warmers..yes, you heard me, warmers for my butt...I hate to sit in the cold..hahah, and second was a sunroof...I hadn't had one since my first car..and that was back in 1987...Yup, a long, long time ago...

The girls are doing ok..They had some new adjustments to contend with...I met a childhood friend that I hadn't seen in over 20 yrs....His name is Patrick...I did finally take the chance in love dept. again...I started dating him..It's been almost 3 mths now and it's really nice to have someone that loves and cares about you...This is a new life..I new everything...I grew up with him and his sister..My childhood BF, she too is a Michelle...yeah Michelle and Michelle, my dad used to call us "Partners in Crime"..Geez, I wonder why..(chuckling)..Pat is a very sweet and honest man..He hasn't changed must since we were young teenagers..Of course we all mature but the basic fundamentals are still the same..A kid at heart...He has 2 girls of his own, Nicole (9) and Christina (6)..They are very sweet girls...Kaitlin, my youngest has adjusted better to Pat, she knows he's not here to replace Daddy..No one could replace Otto..But, the older ones on the other hand, they are ok with it one minute and not the next...But, I understand..They inturn will understand that I too need to live my life and be happy again...Life is very short and I feel in my heart the best way to honor my late husband is to live the best life I can...

I think of Otto everyday, he's still apart of my life...I told our girls that because I'm with someone new, I don't forget the life I had with their dad, I just can't live in that life anymore because he's not here...I hope that they will give Pat a chance because he's a good guy...I wouldn't have a man in my life if he wasn't...

Well, I hope everyone has been doing well, and I'm sorry I was away for such a long while...I will try to post more readily like i used too...
My love to you all and a big hug...

I just don't know anymore...

I have been having more of these days then I'd like to admit..Today I am finally going to talk about it..I usually keep it to myself..But, today is the day...In a week and a half it will be 16 months that Otto has been gone..This emotional roller coaster is incredible..I have never in my life ever experienced such emotional duress..I had gone through alot with him in those years of dealing with that damned illness, going through so many traumatic experiences with him in the hospital those 7 weeks..But, I can't seem to get a handle on anything now a days..I have no aspirations to get things done, going to school, making a resume, anything, anything that would make my life better..It's like I want to stay in this bubble..I know I am depressed, how can I not be..I miss him, I want him back..I know it won't be, but I feel so empty, so lost..
People may feel that it's been over a year now and it's time to just move on..I'm not speaking of one person, or a group of people that I know..It's just in general..I'm not pointing to anyone..So, I don't want anyone to think that I am .. People in general feel that because it's been over a year that "You've had time to get used to it" or "It's time to move on"..that is not the case..Please, no one likes to feel this way..It's not like we set out to feel alone, lonely, empty, lost, heart broken, despair, angry, and all that goes with it..I can't move on..I am trying to move forward..But, it's not easy..Decisions that have to be made, from home, finances, children, future, even what the heck to have for dinner is something that I don't want to do..It's hard to express all of these feelings to people because the understanding is not there..I feel like I am a freak of nature..Gosh, can you believe that while at my sisters last night I was angry at the fact that someone had there husband there..It's not that I wish him death...It's that I didn't have mine there..I wanted him there..I know this post is going to be just ramblings of thoughts and feeling that probably won't make sense, I know they won't be in a structured sentence..It's just what ever is coming into my mind..

It takes so much energy to posture, to put on that "Normal-OK" look..But, what the hell, people really don't want to know how you really are...They look at you and say, you look great, she's doing fine, she's ok, she's a strong person..I am tired of being STRONG..I don't want to be STRONG anymore, I am not OK..I will never be OK..How can anyone think I'm OK???? Would you be ok if someone took both of your legs, especially when you are a professional runner, and then they expected you to be able to walk again without a prosthetic..never the less to run again..Maybe it's not the greatest example but that's what I can come up with right now..It's all too much..They is not what I planned for my life..Yes, I know many are saying right now as you read, BUT life never goes as planned...Sure I know that, and we have looked at it from the point of view like our jobs or loss of one, choice of where to live, having or not having children, cars, etc, etc..but when your life is severely altered like mine is, you can't undo what had happened..You can trade in that troubled lemon of a car, you can quit your crappy job and move back to your hometown if that makes you happy, you can go ahead and have a baby or adopt, you can get that tummy tuck, boob job, face lift, anything that you want..Because all of these things that I have mentioned are things that can be resolved one way or another..I am using these topics as big issue topics that people face in life..Now death has no resolutions, nothing to solve, nothing can be changed..As a friend stated on her blog "Death is a death of Dreams"...When Otto died our dreams, my dreams died with him...It's hard for someone that has never experienced a loss like this to understand the death of one's self, the semi death of one's heart, it's limited function...I hate feeling such pain and it doesn't go away..I am good at folding things up neatly and putting them tucked in a place for awhile..But, that's not good, not good for me..It's not easy letting things out, especially now that time has passed and people make themselves unavailable..I just don't understand people...
I miss him...
I miss him everyday...
I am lonely without him....
I miss his arms wrapped around me..
I always felt his security...
Felt his love...
I miss him, the man I shared my bed with..
I miss my best friend..
My SOUL MATE...
My lover and dreamer of life...
His smile that always made me melt..
He was my world, my life, the reason I existed...
I miss his warmth of his body..
The beat of his heart, that I forever listened to when I put my head on his chest...
The heart that wasn't supposed to leave me behind...

I miss you Otto everyday..I love you !!!!

I am not as YOUNG as I used to be...

As I am posting this it's after midnight..I just got back from my sisters house..It was my nephews birthday, Kristian is now 24 yrs. old. Time had flown by..I went there later today because I was recovering from the night before..This is why I titled this post the way that I did...I went out Friday night to celebrate my 40th birthday with my sister Madeleine, Debi, Monica, Jill, Amanda, Miriam, Karen, Marisol, Kim, Cindy, Leo, Stephanie & George..I think I got everybody..I drank so much..I have not done that in years..Boy, Patron can really knock you on your ass..When they started buying my shot, my eyes were...well, think of a deer looking at headlights..It was funny though, I thought to myself "Can I do this?" I haven't done shots in years..I remember when we used to long, long ago...I had a good time with them all..I am very lucky to have the family and friends that came out to celebrate..They were the ones that thought of doing that..I really wasn't sure if I wanted to..It's hard nowadays to be so carefree..It's like something always stops me..The weather, the feelings and emotions..I laughed, and laughed..I really needed to laugh..I didn't even think of the people that didn't show up..At the beginning of the week, my SIL called to ask me if I was finally going to go out for the birthday or what..I told her of the plans that were being made and she was all up for it..Well, well when it came time for me to leave..I txt messaged her and asked if she was going to come to my house and then leave from her, and guess what? NO ANSWER...She blew me off like a piece of lint off her sleeve...It totally amazed me, when she turned 40, I went out with her, no one else showed up for me but me and her cousin, when she needed help for my nieces 15's I was there to help her pick up the balloons, preparation of hall, picking out dresses, etc, etc...Nice huh???? You're are there for others but they aren't there for you..Well, not NO MORE...I am turning a new leaf...Tired of always being here for people like that, and always getting shit in return...
Well, lets move on to funnier things...After getting shit faced...hahahh We were walking down the street to get to the car..It was me, Monica which was the one driving and Miriam...My friend Leo was parked not far from us, thank God for that..Monica's truck wouldn't start..I said Holy Shit...How am I going to get home..Well, I whistled with my fingers..Another thank God moment, my dad taught me how to when I was young..It has come in handy many times..Leo came over to our car and used jumper cables and got us going...I told him, you have to follow us to my house and you need to make sure I get home..I haven't been in a position like that since I was young...So, I needed the day to recover from the drinking, I woke up thinking to myself "Am I still alive"..
And yes I am..Tired and hung over though...But, in the end I did have fun...
Lets see what comes next...to be continued....

I want to be on a BEACH in the HEAT!

Hey I told you how much I HATE this cold weather?? Why am I living in the north east?? I should be living in sunny Florida, south Florida that is...Well maybe one day..My girls will have to go with me though, I won't leave them here in NJ...I know in order for me to sell my house and move away I have to finish my college degree..That was one thing that I should have finished long ago..But, like everything else that happens in our lives, we never think that they are going to happen..I always thought that I would have time for my education, that it will always be there for me when I was ready..I was so busy having our children and being a stay at home mom all those years.That was never an issue for him and I..He would go to work and provide, and I would be home for our girls..It was important to both of us..Now, that I am alone to raise them, not that I have to finish raising the oldest, she's 20 and in her 3rd year of college..But the younger 2..The middle one is in 10th grade and the youngest is in 6th..So, I still have a ways to go..But, I have been thinking of what I want to do when I grow up (LAUGHING)...Before Otto died I had it all planned out..I was going to go back to school for radiology and then go on to nuclear medicine..But, guess what, now I don't want to be working in a hospital or imaging place..I don't want to see things that people have, like cancer, tumors, masses, etc..All those things have adverse affects on me..Too many years of dealing with that category..It's sad though, I am good at it..I take it all in, and suck it up like a sponge..I know he would be telling me to just go and do it, that I wanted it before, not to let what happened to reshape me or redefine me..But..damn it!! It has..I can't help it, the memories will always be there no matter what..
There is one other profession that I always liked, that is the law field..I am too old to be a lawyer, but I can go for my BS in paralegal studies like I mentioned in a previous post..Well, we'll see what I come up with..I will keep you all posted on my progress..
It's hard to figure things out when you don't know where your going, when the road ahead of you seems like there is no destination..It just keeps going..This is definitely not the life that I envisioned..If I only knew what awaited me, him and the kids..I wouldn't have changed anything..I still would have married him, had his children and still would have loved him with all of me..I think I would have lived harder, lived like we were dieing, not waited for the perfect time to do things..You know we always wait for that moment, the moment we feel is the right time..But, all in all it's bullshit, there isn't the right time for anything, to have kids, to buy the house, a car, vacations, etc...Just do it, live it..Tomorrow is never promised to anyone..I surely know that now..I have always known that, but losing Otto really brought that home...Like he always said "Live your life to it's fullest"..I miss that man more then anyone could know or even imagine...

On another note:
I just got a call from an insurance rep..Not mine, but the other drivers insurance company..In the beginning of Dec. my oldest was at a gas station getting gas, waiting at the pump when this guy in a flat bed backed up and hit her passenger side rear door...I don't have collision coverage on her car because it's too old, but I reported to accident to my insurance and put the claim into his..The owner of the company called me, and informed me that he would be sending me a bank check from Bank of America tomorrow morning to cover the damages to the car..$1,500 dollars worth of it..I'm going to take the car to an auto body place that Otto took the Camry to when he was hit..They do great work..The owner apologized for his driver, he claimed he was never told about it..I guess he found out when his insurance company called him..The owner told me tonight that he fired that driver..OH WELL, TIS' IS LIFE!!! Jackie's happy, she's going to get her car fixed, she says her car looks GHETTO!!! (Laughing again...) Well, it's time for "Lost" it starts tonight..Have a goodnight everyone..

As he said time for CHANGE...

I watched the inauguration of Barack Obama..What a powerful speech, how moving..I hope he can inspire people to be better Americans, better people, caring, and as he spoke of responsibility, to be responsible and take responsibility..Today is a day of new hope..Hope for this country, for us as the people who were born here, who migrated here, who work and live here, who raise our children who intern will be the future leaders of this big and powerful country..What a historical time in our history..I hope President Obama can do half or most of what he promised to do, I know it won't be an easy task..Boy, I surely wouldn't want his job..We tend to criticize the job of President, it's a job that most of us can not do..I am not into politics, but I do know that you can't make everyone happy, and there will be decisions that most won't like and then you are dragged through the hot coals..And then your judged on popularity, no one wants that job for popularity, they take the job because they feel they can make a change, to find better solutions for issues, for the way of life in this country..Your damned if you do and damned if you don't....But, that is life..Life is never easy..But, I do hope that we can be in a better place int he next few years..There is so many issues on the table, the war, the economy, the banks, the loss of jobs, the loss of homes, education of our youth, college tuition inflation, health care that's in the toilet, the list can go on..and on...I sat here today thinking to myself, I wonder what my husband's opinions would have been on the issues that have taken place after his death..When he died things weren't as bad, yeah the gas price had risen but not the way it did in late spring into summer...
See, it's the mind of a widow that wonders what her spouse would have thought..Not just in this matter, but in so many others..It's a mind set that we have been in for so many years, because you were one..

I see Michelle Obama and I really am proud of her as a woman, a wife and a mother..She stands by her man...She helped that man to be President Barack Obama, he couldn't do it without her that's for sure..Like the expression says, "Behind Every Successful Man, is a Strong Woman"...I know what she feels..I would have stood by my husband, encouraged, loved, and be with him every step of the way..I did do that with him, just not in the rat race for political office of the Presidency...(chuckle) I wish the President success, I didn't vote for him, but I do support him..He deserves the respect and support of every American..
Have to go and get dinner moving for the girls, I will post later tonight...