I have been having more of these days then I'd like to admit..Today I am finally going to talk about it..I usually keep it to myself..But, today is the day...In a week and a half it will be 16 months that Otto has been gone..This emotional roller coaster is incredible..I have never in my life ever experienced such emotional duress..I had gone through alot with him in those years of dealing with that damned illness, going through so many traumatic experiences with him in the hospital those 7 weeks..But, I can't seem to get a handle on anything now a days..I have no aspirations to get things done, going to school, making a resume, anything, anything that would make my life better..It's like I want to stay in this bubble..I know I am depressed, how can I not be..I miss him, I want him back..I know it won't be, but I feel so empty, so lost..
People may feel that it's been over a year now and it's time to just move on..I'm not speaking of one person, or a group of people that I know..It's just in general..I'm not pointing to anyone..So, I don't want anyone to think that I am .. People in general feel that because it's been over a year that "You've had time to get used to it" or "It's time to move on"..that is not the case..Please, no one likes to feel this way..It's not like we set out to feel alone, lonely, empty, lost, heart broken, despair, angry, and all that goes with it..I can't move on..I am trying to move forward..But, it's not easy..Decisions that have to be made, from home, finances, children, future, even what the heck to have for dinner is something that I don't want to do..It's hard to express all of these feelings to people because the understanding is not there..I feel like I am a freak of nature..Gosh, can you believe that while at my sisters last night I was angry at the fact that someone had there husband there..It's not that I wish him death...It's that I didn't have mine there..I wanted him there..I know this post is going to be just ramblings of thoughts and feeling that probably won't make sense, I know they won't be in a structured sentence..It's just what ever is coming into my mind..
It takes so much energy to posture, to put on that "Normal-OK" look..But, what the hell, people really don't want to know how you really are...They look at you and say, you look great, she's doing fine, she's ok, she's a strong person..I am tired of being STRONG..I don't want to be STRONG anymore, I am not OK..I will never be OK..How can anyone think I'm OK???? Would you be ok if someone took both of your legs, especially when you are a professional runner, and then they expected you to be able to walk again without a prosthetic..never the less to run again..Maybe it's not the greatest example but that's what I can come up with right now..It's all too much..They is not what I planned for my life..Yes, I know many are saying right now as you read, BUT life never goes as planned...Sure I know that, and we have looked at it from the point of view like our jobs or loss of one, choice of where to live, having or not having children, cars, etc, etc..but when your life is severely altered like mine is, you can't undo what had happened..You can trade in that troubled lemon of a car, you can quit your crappy job and move back to your hometown if that makes you happy, you can go ahead and have a baby or adopt, you can get that tummy tuck, boob job, face lift, anything that you want..Because all of these things that I have mentioned are things that can be resolved one way or another..I am using these topics as big issue topics that people face in life..Now death has no resolutions, nothing to solve, nothing can be changed..As a friend stated on her blog "Death is a death of Dreams"...When Otto died our dreams, my dreams died with him...It's hard for someone that has never experienced a loss like this to understand the death of one's self, the semi death of one's heart, it's limited function...I hate feeling such pain and it doesn't go away..I am good at folding things up neatly and putting them tucked in a place for awhile..But, that's not good, not good for me..It's not easy letting things out, especially now that time has passed and people make themselves unavailable..I just don't understand people...
I miss him...
I miss him everyday...
I am lonely without him....
I miss his arms wrapped around me..
I always felt his security...
Felt his love...
I miss him, the man I shared my bed with..
I miss my best friend..
My SOUL MATE...
My lover and dreamer of life...
His smile that always made me melt..
He was my world, my life, the reason I existed...
I miss his warmth of his body..
The beat of his heart, that I forever listened to when I put my head on his chest...
The heart that wasn't supposed to leave me behind...
I miss you Otto everyday..I love you !!!!
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