Well tonight is New Year's Eve..I am supposed to go to a friends house. But, I really don't know what I want to do..This day last year I was in Florida and on the beach..It was something that I had never experienced before..Being that I was born and raised in the north east, cold, dreariness, and snow is usually on the agenda..But, being on a beach, 80 degrees, having a beer and sitting on a beach chair looking at the surf was somewhat of a treat..I didn't go into the water because 4 days prior I had gotten my first tattoo on my lower back. No sun, sand or salt water can hit it, not good for the healing process...
So, 365 days later I am in NJ at home..It's cold, dreary, some snow flakes are falling, and on the cusp of the new year, 2009...Time just goes by. It waits for no one..The hands of time keep turning, and clicking along..I don't know how I have come this far, I don't try to analyze it because it makes me more sad..I can't believe I haven't heard his voice, held his hand, felt his warmth, given him a kiss or hugged him tightly since Oct. 2007...Why would life be so cruel, why would God be so cruel..If you can bring two souls together, then why rip the apart??..People, so many people have their own philosophy as to why Otto died, I have heard them all..They are of no comfort to me...I don't know how anyone could think that they would be...My faith is no longer where it used to be..Honestly, I don't know if it still exists..All I have learned, what I once believed in, makes me feel like it was all a lie. God, has the power if healing, of changing anything and everything..Why, God? why wasn't Otto worthy of your healing, and worthy of living? I get so angry, angry that there are so many people living on the face of this earth that do so much harm that they don't deserve to stay here..Yes, I have heard that they are living their own hell, etc, etc..but they still breathe...
If someone ever would have told me that my life would turn out this way, I won't believe them...My sweet Otto did not deserve that..He's supposed to be here..We were supposed to be remarried at our 25th and go to Italy..We only made it to our 21st...July of this coming year 2009 would have been 23...Yes, I know I should be grateful to have had those years with him, to have our children, to know what TRUE LOVE is..But, it hurts that it will never be again..We were so young, we had odds stacked against us for marrying so young, people would say that we would divorce, no way that our young marriage could survive..We married with the dark cloud of Hodgkin's looming around..We made it, we endured those hard years, those 5 yrs to have those words spoken, You are considered CURED..And he was, cured of that blood cancer..17 and one half yrs. of being cancer free...He didn't die of cancer, he died of an infection..Life can be so cruel...Maybe when I die, I will find out all the answers...
I know I don't sound like I mean it, but I truly do, Happy New Year to you all..
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