It's been awhile...

Yes, it's been some time since I posted last..It's been a very difficult month..Well, really a very difficult 2 months with the feeling of the upcoming holidays..It's still not over yet, we still have New Year's to get through..Don't know what to do though for that one..We, the girls and I were invited to go to a friends house, they are a couple that became very close to us from the beginning of Otto's diagnosis back in 2003 and have remained close to this day..We were also invited to go to my sisters house for a get together there and wait for the new year to ring 2009..Really, I would rather just crawl into a ball and watch a movie..
I know it sounds crazy to many of you..But, the truth is I don't look forward to another year, another year of changes, milestones, events that I will experience without him..This Christmas was such an emotional one for me, I am speaking now just about me, not my girls, I will get to them soon..
When I put the tree up, it was one of those moments that brought back so many memories..I thought to myself as I opened the branches and looked at the tree that the last time we put it up he was here, at home with me...I dreaded every minute and moment of that experience...The ornaments that tell stories..Stories of that season, of that year, the stories of why that ornament was purchased and where we might have been at that time..It was like a tidal wave of memories, I teared and held onto myself sort of speak so that the girls wouldn't catch on that I was holding it in, just dieing to let it out..I still feel I have to be strong..they have seen me cry over the course of these 14 mths..But, habits are hard to break..The evening of Christmas Eve was such an emotional day..I prepared the house for our guests, which were family and friends..I saw myself doing all these things and I thought of Otto, every step of the way..The limitless times he cooked and got everything on the menu ready for the evening of feasting on food and his wine..I did the same..I guess I wanted to make him proud..I always wanted him to be proud of me as I always was of him..I missed him so much that night..I was surrounded by my family, and friends..My friend Michael drove down from NY state and had experienced what Christmas Eve was like in our home..{Michael, you told me you had a great time, I'm sure glad you did..Thanks for being here}
Christmas morning was a tough one for me..Much harder then I thought..I went to bed around 2am, and my youngest daughter Kaitlin (11) woke me up around 8ish..At that moment, at that second the memories rushed in like a broken dam..the force of it was overwhelming..All the years of our girls coming over to our bedside, and tapping our shoulders, and getting up on the bed, telling us "Mommy-Daddy", "SANTA CAME" and "He left alot of presents" then it would follow- "Hurry up get out of bed" etc, etc...That morning it was different, no daddy was spoken...I missed that, I missed it for him...I went down stairs and saw the girls..Every Christmas morning was special in the past, but this one, this year meant less, so much less...I am grateful for our girls, and I was happy to have that morning with them, but a large part of my heart was not here..He wasn't here..I can't expect people to understand the grief of losing your soulmate, you really have to go through it to fully understand it..After, opening gifts, the girls gave me my stocking and there was a card from our oldest daughter Jackie (20) it was a beautiful card and to my surprise there was a picture of me and her dad..I started to cry, she actually took my picture crying..Should have never allowed Otto to get her that darn digital camera..Hahaha....She wrote beautiful things, and in a nutshell, she understood that Christmas didn't hold the same feelings for me and that Dad was always with me..She's so grown up, I know he would be proud of her, more then he already was..
I went upstairs to our bedroom to have a moment for myself, I stood in front of his urn, I placed my left hand on it and I just wept...My heart felt more broken that moment then it had ever been if that was even possible...We soon after went to visit my in-laws, they were so happy to see their granddaughters..Juan went with us, he's Jackie boyfriend of 3 yrs. Otto really liked him..Juan's a good young man, very noble and sweet, he reminds me alot of Otto when he was a young man..
I do miss having Christmas in Florida, it was different..I seriously could get used to that..We'll see what the future brings in the Florida dept.. Well going to go and eat dinner, will post more later....