Life: Unscripted & Unrehearsed

I know it's been a year since I last posted..

2010-11-10T18:41:00.002-05:00

In the year since I last posted so much has happened..Yes, he has been divorced..Thank freakin' God..It took it's long ass time but finally over..Not, all is over though..The unamicableness (if there's such a word) is definitely not there from the over side, but, hey she's not my problem, she can be someone else's problem..But, anywho, we had our first holidays and they were wonderful to spend it with Patrick and my daughters..Christmas was hard for them, I know..But, all in time..Spring finally came and my mood improved, I do suffer from that seasonal depression..Hate, Hate the cold..One day we'll be in warmer climate..We took a family vacation for the first time since Patrick and I have been together and we went to Florida to visit family and some grammar school friends..It was great to see family and friends..I did miss them so much..I went on a wave runner for the first time and Kate was my back seat partner...We had a blast, it was so much fun to hit that throttle and tell Kate to hold on..I thought I was gonna loose her a couple times but she was a trooper and held on to my life jacket..heheh I'm chuckling as I type it..
We came home and I had the best 2 surprises during the first week home..The first one came when I spoke to my dearest and bestest friend Barbara..I thought she was in Texas, which is where she lives with her hubby Willie, and to my surprise when she asked me if she could get some Italian food..I asked her Hey, are in NJ since you asked that? and sure as heck she was..I told her to please come for dinner and be sure it will be Italian..She and Willie arrived to our home and it was such a great feeling to see my buddy..She looked fantastic since her surgery..She lost so much weight, heck she's smaller then me..I'm so proud of her, her journey was a long and hard one for years and now she is one the road to fulfillment..Congrats Barb !!!
Now, the second surprise was the day after we saw Barbara and Willie, my beloved sweet boyfriend Patrick proposed..He surprised me with going down on his right knee and asked me to be his wife..I was shocked, I mean we spoke about marriage many times but I just didn't think he was going to ask now..I was so happy and I could have jumped up onto the clouds..I did say YES, and we sat down weeks later and set our date..August 26, 2011 on the beach of Sea Bright, here in NJ...Since then, I went dress shopping with my mom, Julie (our Goddaughter) and her friend Nicole (sweet girl) I found my dress at David's Bridal and I totally fell head over heels in LOVE with my dress..It was the 8 or 9th one I tried on..My mom picked her dress style and color..Beautiful dress she choose..I asked mom if Patrick would love my dress, she smiles and said oh honey, absolutely..I know I'll be a beautiful bride for my groom..We booked the DJ at the end of Oct, and now we're on the hunt for a photographer..That part is going to be hard because I'm so picky..Our pictures are so important to me, after that day, that's what we have as our memories of our special day..I so can't wait to walk down that sandy aisle to my sexy, handsome groom with those gorgeous hazel eyes..
We are now in Nov, with about 9 months to go and lots to do.. Thanksgiving is weeks away and then the craziness starts of the Christmas season..The gift shopping, tree trimming and Christmas dinner here at our house..I will post again before then..I promise not to let so much time go by again..OH btw, I revamped my scrapbook room a bit..A new square counter height table, and my brown leather stool..Just love it..I have also been purging..Feels good to purge..I know Otto is up there saying "Throw it all out" LOL.. Take care til I post again...

Yes it's been a long while...

2009-07-23T22:34:00.002-04:00

I know I'm in trouble with many of you for not posting....Lets see, it's been since March that I haven't posted...Well, many things have happened since then...Where do I start...
Well, here goes, hopefully it will be in order on when they happened.. I know in my last post, I mentioned that I met Pat...Well, we are still together and moving forward...His divorce is not anywhere near it's final stages...But, that's so complicated in it's nature with his soon to be ex that it could take me days to tell you that story...But, we hope that it's soon...He moved out of his house in June...Yes, he's living with me...Yeah, yeah I know many are saying what the hell are you doing....BUT, if you all call yourself friends then you know me...I do what it is that makes me happy..And, this makes me happy...It's time for me, I'm still the same person as before just with some, oh OK, with alot of changes but I'm still me...It's supposed to be until he finds his house, but either way whether he stays or not, we are still together and that's what counts...That discussion will be for us at a later date...His house is closing tomorrow, the one that he owned with his STBX...His girls are dealing with this the best way they can..I kow it's not easy for them..But, he really tries his best with them...We go and pick them up every Thurs. and they spend the day here...Kate gets along well with them, and I'm sure as time goes by they will form their own relationship...
Saturday we will live for a week to St. Maarten...This will be the first vacation I take with him..So, lets see how it goes...
Will, post again soon...

It's been a long time since I've posted...

2009-03-31T10:33:00.002-04:00

Hi everyone..It's been such a long time since I've posted...Alot has happened since then...First, I finally made that jump on my own to purchase a new car..I bought a nice SUV..It's beautiful and so happy with it...I felt great to see I could do it all by myself...It's a 2009 Buick Enclave, silver and black leather interior...You're going to laugh because 2 things this truck had to have and one was seat warmers..yes, you heard me, warmers for my butt...I hate to sit in the cold..hahah, and second was a sunroof...I hadn't had one since my first car..and that was back in 1987...Yup, a long, long time ago...

The girls are doing ok..They had some new adjustments to contend with...I met a childhood friend that I hadn't seen in over 20 yrs....His name is Patrick...I did finally take the chance in love dept. again...I started dating him..It's been almost 3 mths now and it's really nice to have someone that loves and cares about you...This is a new life..I new everything...I grew up with him and his sister..My childhood BF, she too is a Michelle...yeah Michelle and Michelle, my dad used to call us "Partners in Crime"..Geez, I wonder why..(chuckling)..Pat is a very sweet and honest man..He hasn't changed must since we were young teenagers..Of course we all mature but the basic fundamentals are still the same..A kid at heart...He has 2 girls of his own, Nicole (9) and Christina (6)..They are very sweet girls...Kaitlin, my youngest has adjusted better to Pat, she knows he's not here to replace Daddy..No one could replace Otto..But, the older ones on the other hand, they are ok with it one minute and not the next...But, I understand..They inturn will understand that I too need to live my life and be happy again...Life is very short and I feel in my heart the best way to honor my late husband is to live the best life I can...

I think of Otto everyday, he's still apart of my life...I told our girls that because I'm with someone new, I don't forget the life I had with their dad, I just can't live in that life anymore because he's not here...I hope that they will give Pat a chance because he's a good guy...I wouldn't have a man in my life if he wasn't...

Well, I hope everyone has been doing well, and I'm sorry I was away for such a long while...I will try to post more readily like i used too...
My love to you all and a big hug...

I just don't know anymore...

2009-01-25T16:27:00.003-05:00

I have been having more of these days then I'd like to admit..Today I am finally going to talk about it..I usually keep it to myself..But, today is the day...In a week and a half it will be 16 months that Otto has been gone..This emotional roller coaster is incredible..I have never in my life ever experienced such emotional duress..I had gone through alot with him in those years of dealing with that damned illness, going through so many traumatic experiences with him in the hospital those 7 weeks..But, I can't seem to get a handle on anything now a days..I have no aspirations to get things done, going to school, making a resume, anything, anything that would make my life better..It's like I want to stay in this bubble..I know I am depressed, how can I not be..I miss him, I want him back..I know it won't be, but I feel so empty, so lost..
People may feel that it's been over a year now and it's time to just move on..I'm not speaking of one person, or a group of people that I know..It's just in general..I'm not pointing to anyone..So, I don't want anyone to think that I am .. People in general feel that because it's been over a year that "You've had time to get used to it" or "It's time to move on"..that is not the case..Please, no one likes to feel this way..It's not like we set out to feel alone, lonely, empty, lost, heart broken, despair, angry, and all that goes with it..I can't move on..I am trying to move forward..But, it's not easy..Decisions that have to be made, from home, finances, children, future, even what the heck to have for dinner is something that I don't want to do..It's hard to express all of these feelings to people because the understanding is not there..I feel like I am a freak of nature..Gosh, can you believe that while at my sisters last night I was angry at the fact that someone had there husband there..It's not that I wish him death...It's that I didn't have mine there..I wanted him there..I know this post is going to be just ramblings of thoughts and feeling that probably won't make sense, I know they won't be in a structured sentence..It's just what ever is coming into my mind..

It takes so much energy to posture, to put on that "Normal-OK" look..But, what the hell, people really don't want to know how you really are...They look at you and say, you look great, she's doing fine, she's ok, she's a strong person..I am tired of being STRONG..I don't want to be STRONG anymore, I am not OK..I will never be OK..How can anyone think I'm OK???? Would you be ok if someone took both of your legs, especially when you are a professional runner, and then they expected you to be able to walk again without a prosthetic..never the less to run again..Maybe it's not the greatest example but that's what I can come up with right now..It's all too much..They is not what I planned for my life..Yes, I know many are saying right now as you read, BUT life never goes as planned...Sure I know that, and we have looked at it from the point of view like our jobs or loss of one, choice of where to live, having or not having children, cars, etc, etc..but when your life is severely altered like mine is, you can't undo what had happened..You can trade in that troubled lemon of a car, you can quit your crappy job and move back to your hometown if that makes you happy, you can go ahead and have a baby or adopt, you can get that tummy tuck, boob job, face lift, anything that you want..Because all of these things that I have mentioned are things that can be resolved one way or another..I am using these topics as big issue topics that people face in life..Now death has no resolutions, nothing to solve, nothing can be changed..As a friend stated on her blog "Death is a death of Dreams"...When Otto died our dreams, my dreams died with him...It's hard for someone that has never experienced a loss like this to understand the death of one's self, the semi death of one's heart, it's limited function...I hate feeling such pain and it doesn't go away..I am good at folding things up neatly and putting them tucked in a place for awhile..But, that's not good, not good for me..It's not easy letting things out, especially now that time has passed and people make themselves unavailable..I just don't understand people...
I miss him...
I miss him everyday...
I am lonely without him....
I miss his arms wrapped around me..
I always felt his security...
Felt his love...
I miss him, the man I shared my bed with..
I miss my best friend..
My SOUL MATE...
My lover and dreamer of life...
His smile that always made me melt..
He was my world, my life, the reason I existed...
I miss his warmth of his body..
The beat of his heart, that I forever listened to when I put my head on his chest...
The heart that wasn't supposed to leave me behind...

I miss you Otto everyday..I love you !!!!

I am not as YOUNG as I used to be...

2009-01-25T00:05:00.002-05:00

As I am posting this it's after midnight..I just got back from my sisters house..It was my nephews birthday, Kristian is now 24 yrs. old. Time had flown by..I went there later today because I was recovering from the night before..This is why I titled this post the way that I did...I went out Friday night to celebrate my 40th birthday with my sister Madeleine, Debi, Monica, Jill, Amanda, Miriam, Karen, Marisol, Kim, Cindy, Leo, Stephanie & George..I think I got everybody..I drank so much..I have not done that in years..Boy, Patron can really knock you on your ass..When they started buying my shot, my eyes were...well, think of a deer looking at headlights..It was funny though, I thought to myself "Can I do this?" I haven't done shots in years..I remember when we used to long, long ago...I had a good time with them all..I am very lucky to have the family and friends that came out to celebrate..They were the ones that thought of doing that..I really wasn't sure if I wanted to..It's hard nowadays to be so carefree..It's like something always stops me..The weather, the feelings and emotions..I laughed, and laughed..I really needed to laugh..I didn't even think of the people that didn't show up..At the beginning of the week, my SIL called to ask me if I was finally going to go out for the birthday or what..I told her of the plans that were being made and she was all up for it..Well, well when it came time for me to leave..I txt messaged her and asked if she was going to come to my house and then leave from her, and guess what? NO ANSWER...She blew me off like a piece of lint off her sleeve...It totally amazed me, when she turned 40, I went out with her, no one else showed up for me but me and her cousin, when she needed help for my nieces 15's I was there to help her pick up the balloons, preparation of hall, picking out dresses, etc, etc...Nice huh???? You're are there for others but they aren't there for you..Well, not NO MORE...I am turning a new leaf...Tired of always being here for people like that, and always getting shit in return...
Well, lets move on to funnier things...After getting shit faced...hahahh We were walking down the street to get to the car..It was me, Monica which was the one driving and Miriam...My friend Leo was parked not far from us, thank God for that..Monica's truck wouldn't start..I said Holy Shit...How am I going to get home..Well, I whistled with my fingers..Another thank God moment, my dad taught me how to when I was young..It has come in handy many times..Leo came over to our car and used jumper cables and got us going...I told him, you have to follow us to my house and you need to make sure I get home..I haven't been in a position like that since I was young...So, I needed the day to recover from the drinking, I woke up thinking to myself "Am I still alive"..
And yes I am..Tired and hung over though...But, in the end I did have fun...
Lets see what comes next...to be continued....

I want to be on a BEACH in the HEAT!

2009-01-21T19:57:00.002-05:00

Hey I told you how much I HATE this cold weather?? Why am I living in the north east?? I should be living in sunny Florida, south Florida that is...Well maybe one day..My girls will have to go with me though, I won't leave them here in NJ...I know in order for me to sell my house and move away I have to finish my college degree..That was one thing that I should have finished long ago..But, like everything else that happens in our lives, we never think that they are going to happen..I always thought that I would have time for my education, that it will always be there for me when I was ready..I was so busy having our children and being a stay at home mom all those years.That was never an issue for him and I..He would go to work and provide, and I would be home for our girls..It was important to both of us..Now, that I am alone to raise them, not that I have to finish raising the oldest, she's 20 and in her 3rd year of college..But the younger 2..The middle one is in 10th grade and the youngest is in 6th..So, I still have a ways to go..But, I have been thinking of what I want to do when I grow up (LAUGHING)...Before Otto died I had it all planned out..I was going to go back to school for radiology and then go on to nuclear medicine..But, guess what, now I don't want to be working in a hospital or imaging place..I don't want to see things that people have, like cancer, tumors, masses, etc..All those things have adverse affects on me..Too many years of dealing with that category..It's sad though, I am good at it..I take it all in, and suck it up like a sponge..I know he would be telling me to just go and do it, that I wanted it before, not to let what happened to reshape me or redefine me..But..damn it!! It has..I can't help it, the memories will always be there no matter what..
There is one other profession that I always liked, that is the law field..I am too old to be a lawyer, but I can go for my BS in paralegal studies like I mentioned in a previous post..Well, we'll see what I come up with..I will keep you all posted on my progress..
It's hard to figure things out when you don't know where your going, when the road ahead of you seems like there is no destination..It just keeps going..This is definitely not the life that I envisioned..If I only knew what awaited me, him and the kids..I wouldn't have changed anything..I still would have married him, had his children and still would have loved him with all of me..I think I would have lived harder, lived like we were dieing, not waited for the perfect time to do things..You know we always wait for that moment, the moment we feel is the right time..But, all in all it's bullshit, there isn't the right time for anything, to have kids, to buy the house, a car, vacations, etc...Just do it, live it..Tomorrow is never promised to anyone..I surely know that now..I have always known that, but losing Otto really brought that home...Like he always said "Live your life to it's fullest"..I miss that man more then anyone could know or even imagine...

On another note:
I just got a call from an insurance rep..Not mine, but the other drivers insurance company..In the beginning of Dec. my oldest was at a gas station getting gas, waiting at the pump when this guy in a flat bed backed up and hit her passenger side rear door...I don't have collision coverage on her car because it's too old, but I reported to accident to my insurance and put the claim into his..The owner of the company called me, and informed me that he would be sending me a bank check from Bank of America tomorrow morning to cover the damages to the car..$1,500 dollars worth of it..I'm going to take the car to an auto body place that Otto took the Camry to when he was hit..They do great work..The owner apologized for his driver, he claimed he was never told about it..I guess he found out when his insurance company called him..The owner told me tonight that he fired that driver..OH WELL, TIS' IS LIFE!!! Jackie's happy, she's going to get her car fixed, she says her car looks GHETTO!!! (Laughing again...) Well, it's time for "Lost" it starts tonight..Have a goodnight everyone..

As he said time for CHANGE...

2009-01-20T15:46:00.002-05:00

I watched the inauguration of Barack Obama..What a powerful speech, how moving..I hope he can inspire people to be better Americans, better people, caring, and as he spoke of responsibility, to be responsible and take responsibility..Today is a day of new hope..Hope for this country, for us as the people who were born here, who migrated here, who work and live here, who raise our children who intern will be the future leaders of this big and powerful country..What a historical time in our history..I hope President Obama can do half or most of what he promised to do, I know it won't be an easy task..Boy, I surely wouldn't want his job..We tend to criticize the job of President, it's a job that most of us can not do..I am not into politics, but I do know that you can't make everyone happy, and there will be decisions that most won't like and then you are dragged through the hot coals..And then your judged on popularity, no one wants that job for popularity, they take the job because they feel they can make a change, to find better solutions for issues, for the way of life in this country..Your damned if you do and damned if you don't....But, that is life..Life is never easy..But, I do hope that we can be in a better place int he next few years..There is so many issues on the table, the war, the economy, the banks, the loss of jobs, the loss of homes, education of our youth, college tuition inflation, health care that's in the toilet, the list can go on..and on...I sat here today thinking to myself, I wonder what my husband's opinions would have been on the issues that have taken place after his death..When he died things weren't as bad, yeah the gas price had risen but not the way it did in late spring into summer...
See, it's the mind of a widow that wonders what her spouse would have thought..Not just in this matter, but in so many others..It's a mind set that we have been in for so many years, because you were one..

I see Michelle Obama and I really am proud of her as a woman, a wife and a mother..She stands by her man...She helped that man to be President Barack Obama, he couldn't do it without her that's for sure..Like the expression says, "Behind Every Successful Man, is a Strong Woman"...I know what she feels..I would have stood by my husband, encouraged, loved, and be with him every step of the way..I did do that with him, just not in the rat race for political office of the Presidency...(chuckle) I wish the President success, I didn't vote for him, but I do support him..He deserves the respect and support of every American..
Have to go and get dinner moving for the girls, I will post later tonight...

Today is the BIG day....

2009-01-19T23:21:00.002-05:00

Today is the day I hit the BIG 4-0!!!! I was born at 7:30 am, weighed 5 lbs. 14 1/2 oz, and 20 in. long, in the year 1969...Boy, was I a long and skinny baby..hahah
It was very melancholy today, I missed him so, so much today..A day like today he would have made such a fuss and big deal over me.. To relax, to enjoy, and to feel the love from him and our girls on my special day..It's hard not to think of what he might have had planned for me..He would say, Hey, wait till you turn 40, you have no idea what's planned for you..Too bad I will never find out...But, I know he's with me..Still, I wish he was really with me, here and in the flesh...Life was always good with him in it..I know life is still good in it's own way, I have our girls and they are healthy, and I thank God for that...My girls made me feel so good today, I felt so loved..They bought a dozen white roses, which they took over for their dad..I was surprised with a piece of jewelry that Otto once spoke of getting for me..I guess I must have mentioned it to them at one time or another..But, in any case Jackie wrote in my birthday card about some unfinished business that dad had and they thought of finishing it for him..I cried, and cried...It broke my heart that they thought of doing this..Something that meant so much..It's a pendant circle in diamonds that represents "INFINITE CIRCLE", the infinite circle of love, it just keeps going...My sister came over with my niece Brittany, my nephew Kristian was here, Debi and her daughter Sophia, Jackie's boyfriend Juan, and my cousin Bryan..They all mean so much to me...I was so happy that they remembered and they took time from their evening to spend time with me...I received phone calls from friends, and some family and some txt messages on my phone...I woke up to one friend singing Happy Birthday on my voice mail..That was too funny..Teresa sweetie, don't lose your day job, hahah, you have guts my friend, I couldn't do that unless I was so drunk that I forgot I couldn't sing..hahahh My emotions started to really take it's toll as of yesterday when I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers with the cutest teddy bear from my friend Michael..He's a wonderful and dear friend..Again, thank you Michael for being my dearest friend...Barb, thanks for the beautiful handmade card, you always amaze me with your talent..It's been a long, emotional day..Wow, I'm 40...Well, really I have completed 39 yrs of living, I'm starting my 40th year..hahahh ..It's really true, think about it...
I know my girls read my blog, thank you girls for being our girls, you know dad is looking over you and being a proud daddy as he always has been...Thank you for making my birthday a good and happy one, I love you Jackie, Megan and Kaitlin...Here's to another year..Lets see how it goes and what it brings...

A New Year has begun 2009

2009-01-01T23:29:00.003-05:00

Today is New Year's Day...A new year, with new beginnings, new challenges, and new milestones..I am hopeful that life will be better, be happier and healthier for me and the girls..

New Year's Eve was nice at our friends house..There were many people that I had already met and some for the first time..The girls enjoyed themselves..We all got together in the living room and when the ball dropped and 2009 started everyone yelled "Happy New Year" I had one tear in my eye..I thought of all the New Year's we spent together and yelled out those words..My first kiss and hug was from him..I always wished for a better year of health for him, not happiness because we always had our that no matter what..I really missed him last night and I know the girls thought of him and were missing him too..I hugged my girls and kiss them, one at a time..My girls..They are so beautiful..They are going to be an awesome bunch in this world..They are loving, caring and strong young ladies..
Otto if you can hear me as I say it and look as I type this, we have done a great job with our girls..I know you are proud, and you had always told him that you were..Thank you for doing that, for letting them know that before you passed...

We were at Marisol & Carlos' house, just a town over..We ate, drank and had alot of laughs..I truly love them..They became very close friends of ours..Marisol was Otto's chemo nurse..She is one hell of a nurse..She was definitely born to do that job..Carlos is the sweetest man you could ever met, a gentle, loving, caring man..I am so grateful and blessed to have them in our lives...We stayed until 2am and then the girls and I went over to my sister Madeleine's house, she only lives 5 minutes from my house now..We talked and laughed for awhile and finally it was time to go home..The girls and I haven't been out like that, ever..We got home around 3:30am..Jackie was so tired..Kaitlin was still wired, and Megan was holding her own..By the time I got into bed, it was quarter to 4, and I had to read for a little bit, so I went to bed at 4:30am..I slept until 1 this afternoon...I am glad that the holidays are over..They are just to stressful, and tiring...I am now got to concentrate on what I am going to be studying..I have to get myself on that track..I am seriously looking into getting my BS in Paralegal Studies...I have always liked law, and for all of you that know me, I have to knack for research, details, and as Otto used to say I don't miss a thing..My sister started that comment years ago..He just continued on with it...I think I would really like to get into litigation's in a law firm, I don't think I would want to get into government litigation..The really money is in a great law firm..So cross your fingers for me..

We all know what tonight is !!

2008-12-31T13:15:00.003-05:00

Well tonight is New Year's Eve..I am supposed to go to a friends house. But, I really don't know what I want to do..This day last year I was in Florida and on the beach..It was something that I had never experienced before..Being that I was born and raised in the north east, cold, dreariness, and snow is usually on the agenda..But, being on a beach, 80 degrees, having a beer and sitting on a beach chair looking at the surf was somewhat of a treat..I didn't go into the water because 4 days prior I had gotten my first tattoo on my lower back. No sun, sand or salt water can hit it, not good for the healing process...
So, 365 days later I am in NJ at home..It's cold, dreary, some snow flakes are falling, and on the cusp of the new year, 2009...Time just goes by. It waits for no one..The hands of time keep turning, and clicking along..I don't know how I have come this far, I don't try to analyze it because it makes me more sad..I can't believe I haven't heard his voice, held his hand, felt his warmth, given him a kiss or hugged him tightly since Oct. 2007...Why would life be so cruel, why would God be so cruel..If you can bring two souls together, then why rip the apart??..People, so many people have their own philosophy as to why Otto died, I have heard them all..They are of no comfort to me...I don't know how anyone could think that they would be...My faith is no longer where it used to be..Honestly, I don't know if it still exists..All I have learned, what I once believed in, makes me feel like it was all a lie. God, has the power if healing, of changing anything and everything..Why, God? why wasn't Otto worthy of your healing, and worthy of living? I get so angry, angry that there are so many people living on the face of this earth that do so much harm that they don't deserve to stay here..Yes, I have heard that they are living their own hell, etc, etc..but they still breathe...
If someone ever would have told me that my life would turn out this way, I won't believe them...My sweet Otto did not deserve that..He's supposed to be here..We were supposed to be remarried at our 25th and go to Italy..We only made it to our 21st...July of this coming year 2009 would have been 23...Yes, I know I should be grateful to have had those years with him, to have our children, to know what TRUE LOVE is..But, it hurts that it will never be again..We were so young, we had odds stacked against us for marrying so young, people would say that we would divorce, no way that our young marriage could survive..We married with the dark cloud of Hodgkin's looming around..We made it, we endured those hard years, those 5 yrs to have those words spoken, You are considered CURED..And he was, cured of that blood cancer..17 and one half yrs. of being cancer free...He didn't die of cancer, he died of an infection..Life can be so cruel...Maybe when I die, I will find out all the answers...
I know I don't sound like I mean it, but I truly do, Happy New Year to you all..

It's been awhile...

2008-12-29T18:49:00.002-05:00

Yes, it's been some time since I posted last..It's been a very difficult month..Well, really a very difficult 2 months with the feeling of the upcoming holidays..It's still not over yet, we still have New Year's to get through..Don't know what to do though for that one..We, the girls and I were invited to go to a friends house, they are a couple that became very close to us from the beginning of Otto's diagnosis back in 2003 and have remained close to this day..We were also invited to go to my sisters house for a get together there and wait for the new year to ring 2009..Really, I would rather just crawl into a ball and watch a movie..
I know it sounds crazy to many of you..But, the truth is I don't look forward to another year, another year of changes, milestones, events that I will experience without him..This Christmas was such an emotional one for me, I am speaking now just about me, not my girls, I will get to them soon..
When I put the tree up, it was one of those moments that brought back so many memories..I thought to myself as I opened the branches and looked at the tree that the last time we put it up he was here, at home with me...I dreaded every minute and moment of that experience...The ornaments that tell stories..Stories of that season, of that year, the stories of why that ornament was purchased and where we might have been at that time..It was like a tidal wave of memories, I teared and held onto myself sort of speak so that the girls wouldn't catch on that I was holding it in, just dieing to let it out..I still feel I have to be strong..they have seen me cry over the course of these 14 mths..But, habits are hard to break..The evening of Christmas Eve was such an emotional day..I prepared the house for our guests, which were family and friends..I saw myself doing all these things and I thought of Otto, every step of the way..The limitless times he cooked and got everything on the menu ready for the evening of feasting on food and his wine..I did the same..I guess I wanted to make him proud..I always wanted him to be proud of me as I always was of him..I missed him so much that night..I was surrounded by my family, and friends..My friend Michael drove down from NY state and had experienced what Christmas Eve was like in our home..{Michael, you told me you had a great time, I'm sure glad you did..Thanks for being here}
Christmas morning was a tough one for me..Much harder then I thought..I went to bed around 2am, and my youngest daughter Kaitlin (11) woke me up around 8ish..At that moment, at that second the memories rushed in like a broken dam..the force of it was overwhelming..All the years of our girls coming over to our bedside, and tapping our shoulders, and getting up on the bed, telling us "Mommy-Daddy", "SANTA CAME" and "He left alot of presents" then it would follow- "Hurry up get out of bed" etc, etc...That morning it was different, no daddy was spoken...I missed that, I missed it for him...I went down stairs and saw the girls..Every Christmas morning was special in the past, but this one, this year meant less, so much less...I am grateful for our girls, and I was happy to have that morning with them, but a large part of my heart was not here..He wasn't here..I can't expect people to understand the grief of losing your soulmate, you really have to go through it to fully understand it..After, opening gifts, the girls gave me my stocking and there was a card from our oldest daughter Jackie (20) it was a beautiful card and to my surprise there was a picture of me and her dad..I started to cry, she actually took my picture crying..Should have never allowed Otto to get her that darn digital camera..Hahaha....She wrote beautiful things, and in a nutshell, she understood that Christmas didn't hold the same feelings for me and that Dad was always with me..She's so grown up, I know he would be proud of her, more then he already was..
I went upstairs to our bedroom to have a moment for myself, I stood in front of his urn, I placed my left hand on it and I just wept...My heart felt more broken that moment then it had ever been if that was even possible...We soon after went to visit my in-laws, they were so happy to see their granddaughters..Juan went with us, he's Jackie boyfriend of 3 yrs. Otto really liked him..Juan's a good young man, very noble and sweet, he reminds me alot of Otto when he was a young man..
I do miss having Christmas in Florida, it was different..I seriously could get used to that..We'll see what the future brings in the Florida dept.. Well going to go and eat dinner, will post more later....

It's so COLD outside....

2008-12-08T09:12:00.002-05:00

Well, the cold season it here. We had some snow flakes on Saturday night. Nothing really to write home about, but to see them fall was something that I could just do without. For all of you that know me, I'm not a snow person..I mean it looks pretty as it falls, but cleaning it up and dealing with the way that people handle it while driving makes me just want to stay in.
I really should be living in a warm climate place. Maybe, I will one day. It's just a matter of timing. The girls have to finish school here in NJ. Jackie doesn't have much more to finish college, Megan has 2 more years of HS, and Kaitlin is in 6th grade, so that put 6 yrs more to finish. Hopefully, I can get my schooling in and be done way before she's finished.
I haven't finished my shopping yet. Have you? This is a really hard time for me. I know it's going to be another emotional time not having him here..The feeling of Christmas has really changed for me, it started when I lost my father back in 1993. Then, I started a tradition of passing the ornaments to Otto and the girls and they would trim the tree..My dad passed on Dec. 17th and buried on Dec. 21st. So, after that date was when the tree went up. I remember I really wasn't in the festive mood, so I told him, hey you can trim the tree with the girls and I'll just hook the ornaments and pass then to you..Now, he's not here to pass them too..Well, the tree didn't go up yesterday, we watched Harry Potter and took a nap. So, the time went by..We are going to shoot for Saturday..I still say I'm going to break out the chocolate martini's for this one..I'm sure you all would agree..Have to run now, billing paying time, rearrangement of furniture has to been done, and work on the christmas cards, gifts, etc..busy week it will be...I'll post again later...

Like what you see??

2008-12-02T18:19:00.003-05:00

I am finally done with the blog..It took some work again, but I hope you like what I've done..
On the last post I told mentioned my little shopping spree at Michael's on Thanksgiving Day..Speaking of Thanksgiving hope everyone had a wonderful time with their families, it was a day to let your loved ones know how thankful you are for them.
Well, was I thrilled with that sale..I knew I had to go that night because there was no way in hell I was going to go out on Black Friday with all the loons. I drove up and I actually saw men in the store shopping for their significant others, what a cute site that was..
So, as I was saying I bought some Critcut cartridges..
A few days later, I got a call from a good friend that went out on Black Friday to Walmart and got 2 Cricut Expression machines and one of them was for her sister, which it turned out that she didn't want it. So, that's where I came in. She called and asked if i wanted to buy it from her for the same price she paid. I wasn't sure, I called my buddy Barb to ask her what she thought. I don't know why I did because I knew what she was going to say, just as I thought she said Yeah! This is what the machine looks like here on the right.
It's a pretty awesome machine. It will make scrapbooking and card making alot easier. I also picked up some Christmas paper to make my Christmas cards. I haven't handmade cards for the holidays since 2006. There is something about
giving someone a handmade gift, it's so special.

During the week I also picked up the Bind-it-all
machine. Now that too is one cool product. It's
great to make mini albums to regular size..It punches the holes on the side, you place your
"O" rings and place in machine and bind it..
Here it is below..

I really can't believe we are in Dec. already. It just feels like time is flying..This Sunday will be the day for putting up the tree and to decorate the house a bit. Kaitlin, our youngest one really wants the tree up and to get her hands in the boxes of decorations. So, it will be an emotional day. But I know he'll be here with us and I'll feel his presence to comfort me. I think I should also break out the martini glass and make myself a chocolate martini as we work on the tree..Great visual huh??

Having a bit of trouble with the blog

2008-11-29T23:35:00.003-05:00

Ok as you can see having trouble with this blog. I added a blinkie to the blog and I got some photo bucket icons ALL over the place. So, I had to redo the template, it wasn't working to get rid of it all..So, I picked a new template and now I have some things in Spanish..Don't ask I have no clue how I got the Spanish translations..I will be working on it over the next few days..

But, anyway Thanksgiving was nice at my sisters house. The girls enjoyed themselves.
I went to Michaels that night because they were having a sale on the Cricut cartridges for $29.99, they are usually $89.99..What a sale huh??? woohoooo...

I will have to post the pics of the goodies that I bought these past few days..That would include the pink Bind-it-all..Can't wait to use it...
Well, going to bed now..Hope to have everything done and looking nice again..That's what happens for being married to a computer junkie for 21 yrs, he did everything for me and I didn't learn to troubleshoot..

Thanksgiving is almost here

2008-11-25T12:50:00.005-05:00

Today is Tuesday and we have 2 days to go before Thanksgiving Day..I can't believe that it's here again. Time flies so fast. I saw my cousin Monica and her family this passed Sat. They flew up for a family function on her husbands side. We met for breakfast. It was great to see them. Family is so important, can't wait to see them again soon..
I stepped out earlier to get some last minute ingredients for the stuffing that I have to make, I'll also be making a green bean casserole and my mother-in-law is bringing me a Flan..The weather is really gross. Rainy, chilly and just blah..Temp. wise it's not too bad. For Thanksgiving I will be taking to girls and myself to my sister Madeleine's house. My in-laws will not be there, they will be at home this year..I will miss not sharing that day with them. It's so hard for them being without Otto..I know what I feel as his widow, but I can't imagine them as his parents. My in-laws always have hosting Thanksgiving at their house since we married back in 1986. We have only had Thanksgiving twice here in our home. The first one was in 2006, after we had finished all the renovations to our house. We had a great time having it here. He was so happy hosting it in the home we worked so hard on. We had the thought when the plans were drawn up for the renovation that it would be done in a way that the family could enjoy our gatherings without any separations. So, the kitchen, dining room and family room are one big open floor plan..
I am really glad that he wanted to do Thanksgiving here that year, it was the last Thanksgiving we had with him. I will never forget the prayer of Thanks that he said that day..I really miss him. Holidays were so important to him.
Last year in 2007, my sister Madeleine had the idea to have Thanksgiving again at our house. I really wasn't up to doing anything. It was 6-7 weeks after Otto had passed and I couldn't think of cooking for everyone. So she came over and did all the major cooking, I only made the stuffing.
I have started making some of my Christmas cards. I usually send them out the first to second week of December. I haven't made them since 2006. Last year I didn't send any out. We left for Florida on the 18th of Dec. to spend Christmas and New Years with our family. It was just too hard being home for the holidays without him. So, I feel very creative lately, I know it's comes from some of the healing that I have done. I will not ever forget him, what we went through, the love, the trauma I have experienced from seeing so much, the fight, but, I know I heal little by little..What choices do I have. We have 3 daughters. 3 daughters he gave me, 3 daughters he left me, so I have to be here for them and finish raising them like we planned..
So, as of the creativity, have many projects in the works that are for Christmas. I have to do what my BF Barbara says, I HAVE TO GET CRACKING !! I will post the projects as I finish them. Oh, I almost forgot, I will post a picture of an art project that my daughter Megan made for school..It had to be a collage on extinction. I turned out pretty cool...She is so talented, and so gifted.

This really takes time..

2008-11-19T09:53:00.002-05:00

I have been working at this blog for a few days now. So much goes into it. I had no clue how time consuming it was. I have been picking Barbara's brain on getting my music play list up and re sized to fit. It's not working out too well, but I will get it up one way or another. It will take me some time to work that out. For those of you that don't know who Barbara is, she is my dear friend that moved to Texas a little over 2 years ago. She used to live here in Jersey. She's had her blog up and running for some time now. So, she's always a great source for info on computer things. Thanks Barb!..I look forward to getting this finished. I plan to put so much on here. It will be a way that my family and friends can keep up with me and know how we (the girls and I) are doing..A place to share with you what I am doing as of going back to school, scrapbooking, everyday life, oh plus not to mention probably venting and especially a place to share the journey of healing. I truly believe the journey to healing after losing the love of your life is so important to document. So, as I share of myself, I hope that you can get more of a glimpse into who I am, where I have been and where I hope to be.